An Interview with Roger

This is an interview from the first edition of The Guide to Roger Wilco's Space Adventures. It set after SQ1EGA to SQ4.

Background

As noted in the second edition (in the The Original Roger Wilco: The Man Behind the Mop interview); "Author's Note: This interview took place after Roger's final defeat of Sludge Vohaul, prior to his decision to enroll in Starcon's Space Academy. At the time, his ego was intact."

Interview

The atmosphere is clear and quiet as we stare back at the dozens of stars-flirting sirens who dazzle us with an occasional wink here, a twinkle there. Deep, wondrous space truly the final frontier. A reflection in the bay window tells us our host has arrived, and as we turn to greet him and thank him for his generosity in granting us this rare interview, Roger Wilco stumbles over the trash can in the doorway and lands flat on his face.

Red-faced and a little flustered, he picks himself up off the green tiled floor of the employee break room and offers a clumsy apology for his less-than-graceful entrance.

"Gee, I hope you guys won't print that. I was just polishing the floor on level 3-1 must have stepped in some wax before it dried," he offers.

They are the very first words to be spoken in an interview with the legendary Roger Wilco, reluctant janitor turned-hero. We assure him that his secret is safe with us, if he insists, but that we'd rather be able to show the real Roger-the human being, the janitor-not some hollow piece of fluff created by half truths and speculation.

Acquiescing, as seems to be his nature, he grants us permission to print whatever we feel is necessary to paint the true picture of his life and personality. We promise not to overuse the "license," and in truth, we're so excited about talking to him in person we have no need to exaggerate-not that we would anyway.

Roger is a man of average height. His figure is less than imposing with an average build. A few lines etch the in-extraordinary–but not unattractive-face, giving him a slightly rugged look that actually belies his young age. But sitting here in front of us, bedecked in rather plain gray coveralls, it's hard to tell whether those lines are from his years of experience or from too much exposure to the more caustic cleaning fluids he uses. In many ways, it's hard to believe this is the same Roger Wilco we've heard so many things about.

Authors: Roger, one outcome of your many adventures that has caused, perhaps, the most confusion among friend and foe alike is your decision to return to janitorial work. Shouldn't the name Roger Wilco now be synonymous with carte blanche?

Authors: Roger, one outcome of your many adventures that has caused, perhaps, the most confusion among friend and foe alike is your decision to return to janitorial work. Shouldn't the name Roger Wilco now be synonymous with carte blanche?

Roger: Well...(pause]...that's a good question-I guess. Urn, I'm not sure what you mean by carte blanche. Is that a new word or something?

Authors: Oh, you know, worldwide acceptance-the red-carpet treatment wherever you go.

Roger: Well, I do treat a lot of carpets, but all of them aren't red. I've done a lot of blue ones, green ones, brown ones every color–you name it. And as far as worldwide acceptance, I think it's safe to say that I've received universal acceptance. I've had very few people or organizations turn down my offers to clean their carpets, no matter what the color.

Authors: Well, thank you for that very honest and direct answer, Roger. Maybe we should rephrase the question somewhat. Why have you chosen to stick with your career as a janitor? Wouldn't you fare very well serving as an expert consultant to one of the higher branches of Space Fleet?

Roger: Oh, I'm sorry...(nervous laughter]...I guess I didn't quite understand what you were asking. Space Fleet-wownow that's a thought. Uh, actually, I chose to go back to janitorial work because, for one thing, it's what I do best. I've been a janitor for many years, and I'm very good at what I do. I realize a lot of people don't think this is glamorous or anything, and that's true-it isn't glamorous at all. In fact, it's sometimes a very thankless job, but someone has to be dedicated to fighting grime.

Authors: Okaaay, let's move on to another subject, shall we? You originally believed you were rescuing high-level emissaries when you decided to go to Pestulon and rescue the Two Guys from Andromeda. Were you disappointed?

Roger: Well, I have to admit that I did expect to be rescuing people who were a little more significant. I mean let's face it–these guys were just software developers who made a lot of money for ScumSoft. Those scumbag software pirates on Pestulon nabbed them for that jerk, Elmo Pug, who forced them to develop big-time software products. Then, rather than risk having his top moneymakers give him the slip, Elmo decided to immobilize the two in jello. Pretty sick setup, huh?

Authors: Mmm-hmm. Yes, it is.

Roger: It was quite a surprise to me when I dissolved the jello block holding them captive. I was expecting intelligent government operators. Instead, they just kept asking me all these stupid questions-What's happening? What's going on? Who are you? Where'd you come from? How do we get out of here?-and on and on. There was a time when I thought they'd never shut up. Authors: But still, you rescued them....

Roger: Well, yeah...I mean I had to. I'd come all that way to Pestulon–risked my life and everything-I really didn't have a choice. I couldn't just leave them there.

Authors: So you felt sorry for them?

Roger: Uh...well, I don't know if I'd say I felt SORRY for them-it was more like irritation. Those guys were like gnats swarming around my head, so instead of feeling sympathy, I just wanted to grab my fly swatter.... Besides, they would have followed me anyway. Like I said, I HAD to take them.

Authors: Whatever happened to those Two Guys?

Roger: Didn't you watch the end of my third adventure? Authors: Well, yes, of course. Your adventures are all very well documented. The Two Guys were responsible for adapting your experiences to several computer adventure games; isn't that correct?

Roger: Yeah, that's right. They went to work for that place we happened to run into-Sierra. As far as I know, they're still there.

Authors: Obviously, you didn't have any regrets about leaving them there.

Roger: Oh-gosh, no. Like I said, they were kind of like gnats.

Authors: Well, you must have gotten together with them at some point to detail your life story; isn't that correct?

Roger: Well, no. I never actually got back together with them. You see, we sort of had a lot of time to kill after winning that air-space-battle over Pestulon, whatever you want to call it. I just really needed to tell someone what I had been through, and since these guys had just been through an ordeal of their own, who better to talk to? Besides, I certainly had to listen to enough of their chatter.

Authors: You mean you told them every detail? Every little thing you said-word for word-and they remembered it?

Roger: Well, yeah ... (clears throat)...um, I just told them everything that happened to me, and I guess they have real good memories. I like to tell things in detail.... I guess it was a pretty long story...(laughs)...no wonder they were so anxious to leave. Of course, I've never agreed with everything they put in those games. Sometimes they make me look pretty darn stupid, you know?

Authors: But the main thing is that you've come through everything relatively unscathed, and they do show that in the games.

Roger: That's true; they do show that in the games.

Authors: Even after your fourth adventure-traveling through time, discovering people you won't even know for years to come-you still managed to survive intact....

Roger: Uh, I have no knowledge of any time travels.

Authors: Oh, come on, Roger. You don't remember being captured and nearly tortured by those Estros gals?

Roger: I have no knowledge of that. In fact, I think those Two Guys from Andromeda made up the whole thing. For darn sure, no bunch of girls captured me. What do I look like, a sissy?

Authors: That's debatable. After all, you did wear that little black number and the blonde wig....

Roger: I don't recall that. I have no knowledge of that. I would NEVER wear a dress. Do you hear me? NEVER! That's just another pack of lies fabricated by you-know-who to sell their lousy games. I think they've stretched the license bit just a little too far....

Authors: All right, all right. Don't get flustered now. We're just asking! Roger: Sorry. I guess I did get carried away. No one puts any credence into what those Guys say anyway, right?

Authors: One last question for you, Roger. You have been called perhaps the most reluctant hero of your time. How do you feel about that? Roger: Well, I wouldn't say the most reluctant hero of MY time; I'd say the most reluctant hero of ALL time. Accidental's more like it. I mean I didn't ask for all that stuff to happen to me, so I'd say that statement is pretty accurate. I'm just an average guy.

Authors: Well, you may be average in some ways, Roger, but let's face it-you were literally hurled into situations that an average person wouldn't be able to handle. You obviously have a gift for extricating yourself from the most undesirable predicaments-some of them life-threatening. Now that isn't exactly an average ability.

Roger: Well...well, I don't know about that. I do think I'm pretty much your average guy-maybe a little bit better-looking than the average guy...(laughs)...no, but...uh, still, um...I don't know. I think somehow when your life is threatened that many times, something else inside of you takes over, and you...you're able to do things you normally wouldn't.

You're thrown into circumstances that are so incredible, so unusual, so unlike anything you've been in before, and your mind begins thinking incredibly and unusually, and you become...it becomes very resourceful.

Authors: We said only one more question, but please indulge us for just a little longer. Please tell us-and the rest of the world-who was your most formidable opponent? Roger: Well, geez ... uh, gosh. You mean who was the meanest?

Authors: Well, yes-that's close enough.

Roger: Gee, I always thought the expression was "forbidden opponent." Guess that shows how smart I am-language arts was never my best subject ... (laughs) ... but getting back to the question, they were all mean. I couldn't say that one was meaner than the other-honestly. I couldn't stand any of them-and they couldn't stand me. They were all just a bunch of bad dudes. There's a lot of meanness out in the universe. I wish people would just learn to live together peacefully.

Authors: Well, thank you for those ponderous words. Just one last question-did you ever become an engineer?

Roger: Oh, ha ha. Very funny. I am sanitation engineer, you know!

Authors: Roger, thank you for your time and cooperation in talking to us here today. Good luck, and stay out of trouble. Roger: You're welcome. Thank YOU.

We feel a certain exhilaration in the air as our reluctant hero leaves us, for we know these past moments have been history in the making. He may be "just average" in looks and intellect, and gawky and gullible in character, but his capacity for conviction extends well above the norm.

His fortitude and resourcefulness wax equally bright–no pun intended-and by their very nature must be expressed. That's why we believe this unpretentious, self-effacing champion won't be washing windows forever. Roger Wilco must live the life he was born to live-that of a hero. And that's no accident...CRASH CLANG BANG*...but that was!

*Rushing to the source of the clamor, we find Roger Wilco sitting on the floor in the hallway. Around him, on lop of him, and underneath him are several sandwich remnants; glops of mustard, mayonnaise, and catsup; a puddle of coffee; and various other items from the sandwich cart he nearly leveled. In his haste to return to level 3, he tells us, he forgot about the wax he stepped in earlier-and the rest, as we say, is history.